I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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