If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
