Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
