Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
