mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
