Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize