I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
