I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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