On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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