I wish my penis had an off switch
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
