whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
