its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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