It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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