I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
