Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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