Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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