he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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