my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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