i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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