I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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