Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize