There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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