I wish I could punch you in the face.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
