just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
