Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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