I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
