I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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