I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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