Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
