i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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