Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
