If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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