i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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