i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My bed smells like the plague
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
