I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
