I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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