You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
