Umm I'm too high to move.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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