I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
