I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
