so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
