I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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