i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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