It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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