I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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