I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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