Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
