I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize