the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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