also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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