I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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