there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
