at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
