I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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