I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
