our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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