i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
