Will you blow on my dice?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
