my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize